How accomplished am I?

This is to inform everyone who reads this (a total of about 2 people) about my new and improved healthy, balanced lifestyle.

So far I have:

1) Submitted an internship application

2) Been proactive about a job application

3) Finished a presentation over 24 hours before it was actually due in

4) Been grocery shopping buying only healthy, organic and wholesome foods

5) Eaten fruit (yes, strawberry yoghurt counts as fruit. It has real strawberries in it)

6)Not eaten any chocolate (1 mini Oreo does not count)

7) Washed dirty dishes

8 ) Finished the Powerpoint part of my IT skills certificate

9) Gone to ALL lectures AND classes

10) Printed off everything I need for ALL tomorrow’s lectures and classes.

Now I must go, because Green Tea and Hegel await.

And time yet for a hundred indecisions

I keep quoting the Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock at various periods of time. I’m always drawn back to it, I can’t help it.

Currently, I am reviewing Lesson 1 of my musical education. A friendly Canadian neighbour (who is also an anarchist and wears a safety pin in his ear) offered me some of his music, after a night filled with much rum-drinking.  He was quite patient about the whole thing, and I now have 600+ lovely songs to listen to, ranging from Miles Davis to Of Montreal to The Toxic Avenger.

Speaking of education, my legal education is somewhat at a standstill. My procrastination has reached new peaks, and the dismal weather isn’t helping at all. I think I may have got a job at Zadig et Voltaire- I better have: 2 interviews to be a part-time sales assistant is far too useless otherwise. My reason for getting a job is entirely justified, in my opinion. A job pays now, an education pays later.

At the moment, my new sale-priced Kurt Geiger stilettos are staring at my from the floor. They are mocking me- they’re so beautiful, I had to have them. Realised after coming home that I can’t wear them for longer than 5 minutes at a time. Waves of guilt wash over me every time I look down. Hesitating between keeping them, and never wearing them, or going and exchanging them.

Ever since my mum brought it up, I’ve been thinking about Masters degrees. Discussions with the London family, disputes with D over the phone, skyping with the New York Ph.D uncle. He has managed to convince me of the beneficial value of a Masters degree, bringing to light the recurring question of: Do I even want to be a lawyer?

Does it matter that I still don’t know? I’m 18 years old. How can I decide my life at this tender and impressionable age? Did my mother know at the age of 18 that her future would consist of Being Married and Having Children? I keep pushing thoughts of the Future out of my mind. There’s no point worrying about it now.

There’s no point about worrying about it now is what I keep telling my fellow Banksiders regarding Year 2 arrangements. The finding of our own housing is what everyone is talking about, and the unspoken agreements that were clear during Term 1 are blurring now. No one knows, and every one is worried.

I realised that my Itunes library consists entirely of music ripped off from people who have come and gone in my life. They drift in and out, and leave behind music playlists. There are boys who I dated, boys who I wanted to date, boys who wanted to date me. There are friends who are no longer friends, friends who live too far away to be friends, and friends who miraculously still are. My dad’s music, my mum’s music.

It gets quite embarrassing when I put on random shuffle: Lady Gaga-> Mozart’s Violin Concerto -> Akon-> Red Hot Chili Peppers-> Pretty Light Music.

(To be honest though, I do quite like it when I’m alone. To know that these people were once part of my life. Or even better, that some still are)

These stupid shoes are still staring at me. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

Should I try and exchange them?

I haven’t started reading for my Criminal presentation. Should I start now?

Should I get up and change and brush my teeth and go to sleep?

Should I finish reading A Place of Greater Safety?

Should I shut my eyes, and let Miles Davis comfort me, and stop worrying about a hundred insignificant things?

The first Decade

I stole this.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Went (temporarily) negative on my bank account

Missed a flight

Went on a real rollercoaster

Holiday-ed alone with friends

Volunteered for charity

Finally legal

First legitimate concert

Discovered analogue love

2. Did you keep your new years resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I can’t remember my resolutions last year, but I have made a list of resolutions for this year, which I most definitely will not keep. But oh well, that’s the way it goes.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No

5. What countries did you visit?
France, Belgium, England, India, Germany…? The UAE, but in transit so I don’t think that counts.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A steady job would be great- Money to travel and to buy the things I want. A stable relationship? I don’t think I’d like that very much….Motivation to pass my degree would be useful though.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
A 2009 date? None were very memorable….It just seems like a big blur.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I don’t know.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Sciences Po? Its the most obvious…But I don’t really see that as a failure….So?

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I don’t think so. No.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Jai- since he can now sit still for an hour and do a comprehension without (much) drama. Babu, Shankar, Suman, Sabita and the rest of Fast Track…for being as amazingly cheerful and wonderful as they were.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
A lot of the time, my own. So I guess I can’t really judge then.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Travel tickets, food, shopping, clubbing STARBUCKS.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Munich, going back to LH, SPEAC 2009, going home to Cal (but then I realised that I was more excited about the build-up to Cal rather than Cal itself)….travelling, basically. And seeing people I love.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
After much deliberation….The first half of the year was Hey There Delilah- Plain White Ts and I’m Yours- Jason Mraz; early summer was Heartless- Kanye West; August- September was Blame It- Jamie Foxx and Electric Feel-MGMT; October onwards was Loving You-Paolo Nutini; November: Bad Romance- LadY Gaga and finally wrapping up with Empire State of Mind- Jay Z and Alicia Keys in December

[I am aware that this list makes me look like I have awful taste in music, but that can I do? These were the defining songs of 2009]

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

This time last year I was worried that I had scandalised half my high school by getting drunk and proceeding to make out with someone who was not my ex boyfriend, in front of my ex boyfriend. At present I am proudly looking at the pile of presents I have wrapped for my brother’s birthday. I don’t know whether this makes me happy or sad.

19. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Spontaneous things, but. Oh well. Read more? More cultural things? Taken more pictures?

20. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Can’t remember, so can’t be that bad.

21. How will you be spending Christmas?
Christmas is over. Spent it with a big family lunch- crackers, mulled wine, pie, desserts, present unwrapping, party games, followed by Jumbo Crossoword, High Society and The Godfather, and more wine. Yum.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?

No

23. How many one night stands?

Ha.

24. What was your favourite TV programme?
Greys Anatomy, Gossip Girl, How I Met Your Mother, Desperate Housewives

26. What was the best book you read?
In Spite of the Gods- Edward Luce. The White Tiger- Aravind Adiga. A Suitable Boy- Vikram Seth. Am reading A Place of Greater Safety- Hillary Mantel, which is brilliant.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

That I should really, really not try my hand at music

28. What did you want and get?
If I can’t remember what I wanted, it couldn’t have been that important to begin with.

Entertainment during my summer in Calcutta?

29. What did you want and not get?
Hahahahaha. J. Not get, and won’t get.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
I watched the Godfather trilogy, which beats everything.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Eighteen. D threw me a huge party, which was amazing.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having a job/ getting a First in an essay

34. What kept you sane?
Nothing. Whoever said anything about being sane?

37. Who was the worst new person you met?
I have no space for negativity in my life. But probably my bathroom buddy- simply because she is annoying, unsanitary and always there

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Goo, hands down.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Never take anything at face value. always say what you feel, no matter how many people you offend.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

And now it’s 3:30 am.

Snow in Winter

The first snow of winter is not harsh. It falls from the sky in small white splotches, and takes you by surprise. You shiver with delight when it lands on your nose, or on your mouth, and you lick your lips to taste winter. The first snow of winter whirls down from unfathomable grey heights, and you rejoice, willing it to come faster, and cover the world- adding lightness to an otherwise dark and unforgiving season.

The first snow of the winter melts at your touch, and clings to your eyelashes. It makes you want to leap out of double-paned, radiated comfort and into the frosty air- so cold that you bellow puffs of mist when you breathe. The first snow of winter covers the world in whiteness, in lightness, in freshness- wiping it clean. You want it to wipe your year clean, wanting to bury the year that has now almost past in the mounds and heaps of snow.

For a while, it feels like it’s happened- and you can forget. Slowly but surely though, the slush and mud of the pavement beneath start re-appearing, and the fluffy piles of snow melt away, icicles scratching your hands and numbing your fingers. Brown and green slime appear underneath your feet, making the path slippery, soiling your boots. Inevitably, you will tumble. Blink back the tears caused either by the fall, or by the bitter raging wind laughing in your face and howling in your ears.

What is there left to do but pick yourself up, shake yourself off, and walk back home with your eyes open, your arms outstretched (for balance) and your feet on the ground? The only thing on your mind is home, and home is where you’ll stay until the seasons finally change, for good.

Pensée du jour

The way I see it, there is frank, honest truthfulness; and then there is downright plain hurtfulness.

Where is the line that separates the two?

If I were to write French rap-poetry as a Malaysian person, it would be…

A cinq heures du mat’ tous les musulmans font leurs prières,

Mais au même temps ils font des soirées avec beaucoup de bière

La plage, les vagues, du soleil tout le temps

Les discriminations, les politiciens- j’ai trop honte.

Mille perspectives différentes dans le même coin de rue

En vivant ensemble, pas toujours en harmonie j’avoue

Dans les parcs, les vieux jouent aux mah-jong

Les gosses qui rigolent en jouant au ping-pong

Le centre ville ne dort jamais

Les flics sont toujours aux aguets

Je pense pas que c’est un pays parfait

Mais c’est là où j’étais née

Elevée

Malaysia, truly Asia

This was extremely entertaining.

…”He’s not on Facebook, or MSN, and his phone is broken. In the 21st Century, that means he’s dead.”…

My neighbour is playing the violin again.

Was going to go and complain, and then I realised that he was, in fact, pretty good. He should be. A while Facebook stalking later, I learnt that he teaches Violin as his part time job.

Realised that am not completely averse to the idea of lying holed up under the covers in my warm room, watching the rain hit the windows, with the sound of violins playing in the background. A perfect Sunday evening.

Now the question of company arises. Maybe I should substitute my requirement for company with something a bit more feasible, such as the requirement for a cup of hot chocolate.

J came over again last night. He wanted me to come to him- which has still never happened- but the thought of leaving my warmth seemed absurd to me. Why should I come to you when you can come to me? He did offer to walk me back home, though. Sweet. He came in the end, as they always do. The night receptionist (who is, incidentally, also a black man) has taken to giving me smirks when he sees J and I. Yesterday, he said that I don’t need to sign him in/ take a guest pass as “You don’t know when he’ll leave, do you?”.

In typical J fashion, he walked home sometime past 4am. I told him he could stay. He left though, since he had work this morning. And now I can’t stop thinking about J’s arms, which isn’t a very healthy sign. But it is London in December, and yesterday was the first time I saw him in a t-shirt, and all I can say is that the gym which he paid £400+ for is definitely working in his favour. Such nice arms.

…

The violin-ing has stopped, and it seems too vacuously quiet.

Can’t wait for Tuesday to be come so that my essays are finished. I was meant to try harder for Public Law since I am developing a minor crush on my teacher (but how could you not, he’s such a darling).  Spend Wednesday traipsing down Oxford Street looking for various presents for the ScPo crew, and Eurostar off into the not-so-much-fairer climes of Le Havre. Apparently a big party on Saturday night- which is always welcome- and Sunday brunch in Paris with Krystle, and Daniel (and apparently Abhi) which will surely not fail to entertain.

I don’t want realism

I don’t want realism. I want magic! Yes, yes, magic. I try to give that to people. I do misrepresent things. I don’t tell truths. I tell what ought to be truth

- Blanche DuBois, A Streetcar Named Desire

This was the quote I had been looking for, since I’m trying to escape the realism (reality?) of grey London drizzle. The weather’s been awful and it’s been getting me down. My window’s (which don’t really open) overlook a battered park, part the Council Housing it’s attached to. The swings are broken and today, the park is flooded.

What I did come across though, is this:

But some things are not forgivable. Deliberate cruelty is not forgivable! It is the one unforgivable thing, in my opinion, and the one thing of which I have never, never been guilty

- Blanche DuBois, A Streetcar Named Desire

Deliberate cruelty may not be forgivable according to Blanche DuBois, but after 2 hours of reading about homicide, it occurred to be that deliberate cruelty can be argued in a court of law, and the deliberately cruel person- with the help of a capable defence  lawyer- can be let off with no criminal charges.

It doesn’t matter whether you threw a chair at your friend, causing him to fall and die; or whether you set your sleeping husband on fire. If you can argue the right points of law, you can use the technicalities as loopholes, and jump out of any charges. At least, that’s what it seems like to me.

But what do I know, really.

(Except that there is no way I will ever be a criminal lawyer)

The Joys of Being Indian

Or the joys of being an 18 year old Indian girl living alone in a foreign country, to be more precise.

Standard night out: met randoms, got drunk, moved from place to place.

C had taken pictures, which she promptly put on Facebook the moment she got home (read: 4am. Unlike some people- Krystle, this was aimed at you!)

Got a phone call from India at 4:45am from my cousin (first time he’s called me since I’ve left India): “You smoke? You’re smoking? Get those pictures off Facebook NOW”

I wonder if my Mum’ll call me tomorrow, asking me.

Thank god for de-tagging and limited profiles.